The In Between

A sweet friend of mine says, “Cancer is a thief”.

Sadly, I am well versed in the harsh truth of this statement and I am guessing many of you are too.

Like a thief, cancer quietly invaded my body. I am still at a loss as to when or how he got in, but he is sly and stealthy and found a way. He started his path of destruction in my left breast leaving only wispy trails of cancer cells in his wake. By the time we finally caught him, he had made his way into two of my lymph nodes. It was less than 3 months after my 39th birthday.

The next 8 months were spent ridding my body of the thief and doing everything we could to make sure he never returned. It was as if there had been a robbery in my body and we were installing a home security system to detour any future attacks. My security system included a double mastectomy, 8 rounds of chemotherapy, 28 radiation treatments, a hormone blocker, and reconstructive surgery.

By June of 2017, the treatments were complete. The security features had been installed. There was less than a 10% chance the thief would return. I could move on. I could return to normal life.

For months, I had longed to get to this point. I had pictured myself relishing in victory and overwhelmed with joy and relief. And while there were great times of happiness, the end of my treatments also meant that I finally had the time and energy to process what had happened. Unpacking those intense 8 months, left me drained, exhausted, and empty. This emptiness soon gave way to fear. Because the harsh truth about a thief is that they steal so much more than just material items. Cancer had not just stolen two parts of my body, a few lymph nodes, and 8 months of my life, it had also stolen my sense of peace and shattered the way I looked at my future.

Before cancer, I would have fun, harmless little day dreams. I would picture a 90 year old version of myself, rocking in my favorite chair and fondly remembering my life. I could see my kids as teenagers and young adults. I could see Mark and I enjoying our years as empty nesters. I could picture being a grandparent and doting on my babies’ babies. But cancer stole my freedom to daydream and instead of peace as I looked to the future, I had a deep sense of fear. Fear that the cancer would return and I would not get to see my daydreams lived out.

I lived in fear for months. I knew it was unhealthy and a waste of precious time. None of us is promised perfect health. Logically, I knew I had today and today I was healed. I was free to attack life at full steam again. Yet, despite knowing this, the fear continued. Logic and reason failed me and left me at a loss on how to confidently move forward with peace.

I was stuck. Stuck between cancer’s defeat and joyfully living life. I felt hopeless and had almost resigned myself to this new reality of fear, when in April of 2018 God mercifully intervened. On a whim, I signed up for a woman’s ministry conference in Tennessee. There was a Bible teacher speaking at the conference that I had admired and respected for over a decade. I had always wanted to see her teach in person so I registered for the conference and booked my flight.

As I walked through the conference doors on the first day, I was handed my program for the weekend. I looked down. My jaw dropped and I froze in place. Goosebumps covered my arms and neck and my stomach did a little flip as I read the conference theme, “Moving Forward”.

It was so much more than just a whim that had brought me to this conference. It was God in His infinite wisdom and perfect timing. He had brought me to this place to heal. He was going to show me that He was the only way to move forward with joy and peace. I left that weekend knowing that when fear attacked, I needed to fight back by praying and reading my Bible because the key to everlasting peace is knowing God deeply.

Since completing treatments, I have realized that in many ways, the physical fight against cancer was almost the easy part. There was a plan and people rallying around you supporting you every step of the way. But, after cancer is defeated and the dust settles, people return to their normal routines. There is a quiet. A space. For months, I made the mistake of not filling this empty space with God. So instead, it filled with fear.

During those fear filled months, I felt so alone. I tried support groups, a counselor, talking to friends and my husband, throwing myself into projects, and the list goes on and on. But no matter what I tried, the fear remained. Nothing allowed me to move forward with peace except God and I am learning that unless I seek Him daily, the fear starts to creep back in.

I know that I am not alone in my fear and I pray that by truthfully sharing my story that you are encouraged to read your Bible and pray and that you use these two powerful weapons to drive out your fear. I pray also that you taste the sweetness of the everlasting peace that only He can bring.

I look forward to writing and sharing more soon. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.