The In Between

A decade ago, when my oldest child, Jack, was a toddler, he had a long stretch of illness after illness. For about a year and a half, we saw doctor after doctor and ran test after test, as we desperately tried to determine what was weakening his immune system. Healing did eventually come, but the days leading up to an answer were long. I grew weary. I was anxious and scared and so concerned about Jack. He was seldom well and his energy was so low. I could see him slipping behind developmentally more and more each week.

I am a Type A. I like to plan, achieve, check items off lists, and if I am honest, I love to feel in control. Jack’s illness shook me. My life felt so out of control because I never knew what challenges the next day would bring. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I believed in God and trusted Jesus as my Savior, but I could not understand why all of this was happening. I kept trying to fix it on my own.

Sadly, this behavior was keeping me from one of the most beautiful aspects of a relationship with Jesus, meeting with Him daily for my manna.

In Exodus 16, the Israelites are travelling through the desert to the Promised Land after being freed from slavery in Egypt. They grumbled about being hungry and God responded in the form of manna, a bread that is said to taste like wafers made with honey. Each morning, when the Israelites awoke and went out of their tents they found the ground covered with this sweet manna. They were instructed to take only what they needed for that day. However, some ignored this and gathered more than needed. When the next morning arrived, the extra manna they had gathered was rotted. They had tried to exercise a sense of control and security by stockpiling for the next day, but God wanted their daily trust. He wanted the Israelites to meet Him in faith each day and find that fresh, new, delicious layer of manna just waiting to nourish them.

And as I was soon to find out, He wanted that same daily faith and trust from me.

One day in the middle of Jack’s illness, as I pleaded and bargained with God to put an end to all of this and heal Jack, a beautiful realization washed over me. Words from the Holy Spirit gently drifted into my head and heart, “Amy, you need to meet me each day. I will give you what you need.”

I wept. I had been approaching this trial with Jack all wrong. I was trying to fix it alone and “be tough”. I thought that the only way to have peace again would be for the trial to end and life to return to normal. How foolish. How sad.

I was spent and weary because I was not meeting Jesus in prayer each day and I was not reading my Bible. I was not letting Him fill me daily with the nourishment I needed and I was left with a bunch of rotten manna.

Little by little, I changed my approach. I met God each morning and asked Him for the manna that I needed to get to the next day. And even though Jack’s physical healing was still some time off, I grew less weary. I had more energy. I had hope and peace.

I wish I could say I learned this lesson perfectly through our trial with Jack, but I am human, a work in progress. So at the beginning of my journey with cancer, my type A set in again. I tried to plan, work, and control my way from day to day. I grew weary and started to lose hope. The thought of those manna days with Jack came to mind. I hit my knees in prayer and started opening my Bible more. I read and cherished the verses of hope and encouragement that people texted and e-mailed and as I did, peace returned and hope glimmered. I still felt moments of anxiety and concern and still had incredibly hard days, but when I trusted Jesus to give me manna each day, the dark days did not overtake or defeat me.

Today, in the midst of this pandemic, I think ahead to days and months of the unknown and that type A planner in me struggles. There are so many questions. Will the kids go back to school this year? What will summer look like if we are still quarantined? Will my family and extended family stay well? Will Mark and my jobs be impacted? I know so  many of you have these same questions.

We are in a season of manna days. Days that I know will require me to meet Jesus each morning in prayer and scripture. And while the coming days may be hard, they will also be sweet and beautiful because this trial will deepen my faith. At the end of all of this, I will be stronger and more at peace because I will have come to know Jesus even more intimately.

So, I invite all of you to join me in gathering your manna each day. Find a quiet spot, open your Bible, read, soak it in, get on your knees, pray. Not just once a week, but every day. You will find peace. You will find hope. You will find the manna you need in Jesus.