The In Between

“Happy Mother’s Day!”  The words hit me like a sucker punch to the gut. My cheeks flushed and heat slowly radiated over my entire body, while my stomach did flip flops. My thoughts got jumbled and confused and the sounds of the noisy basketball tournament happening all around me faded away to crickets. Choking back tears, I barely held it together enough to croak out my thanks to the dear 11 year old boy who had offered me those sweet and heartfelt wishes.

It took all of my restraint not to leap over the people in front of me and smother this poor, unsuspecting boy with hugs. To tell him how proud his mother would be of him. To let him know how much she loved him and how hard she fought to be here for another Mother’s Day, another birthday, or even just for one more regular, ordinary day. Because even though I had never met his mom, I knew her story well, because it was my story.  Her’s just had a different ending.

My most difficult days since surviving cancer have been when I hear of a mom that has lost her fight with this evil disease. It is difficult to put into words my flood of emotions. There is joy. Overwhelming joy. That I am still here and enjoying precious moments with my kids. There is guilt. Guilt that for some unknown reason, I am here while she is not. There is grief. Great grief because I know the heartache the woman and her family faced. But mostly, for the longest time, there was fear. Fear that my story would become her story. That my cancer would return and I would not beat it. That the evil thief would win and steal all those future moments I so desperately wanted to enjoy.

You see, the big, dark secret that I believe all cancer surviving moms know is, it isn’t death we fear, it is not being here to raise our kids.

It has been a long time since I last posted to my blog. I could make all sorts of excuses that would be more than valid, but if I am brutally honest, the reason was dread. I knew this was the next post that needed to be written and I have gone to great lengths to avoid writing it. Because writing it meant that I had to wrestle and muck my way through a fear so intense that at times it felt like a choke hold. There were so many questions. What if I am not there to hold Jack’s first child? Or dance with Calvin on his wedding day? Or see Lylly walk across the stage to receive her high school diploma?

For so long, I desperately wanted someone to pull out a crystal ball and show me that 90 year old version of myself, contentedly rocking away on her porch surrounded by her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. But, that isn’t how life works and, please know that I say this as gently as possible, it isn’t how faith works. Hebrews 11:1 tells us that, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” I will not get that magic glimpse into the future. I won’t see the ending of my story before deciding whether or not to have faith. But, my faith should not be based on some hoped future outcome. It has to be based on God and his character.

Logically, I knew all of this, but my faith was rattled. My body had failed me and I no longer felt confident in my longevity. I believed the only way possible for my kids to be OK was for me to be there and make sure they were OK. I feared trusting God completely with them because I did not know Him deeply enough. My faith would only be strengthened and my fear would only be vanquished, as I opened my Bible and learned more about God. 

I spent weeks working through a character of God study. The truths that I saturated myself in were not only a soothing balm to my aching heart, but also a mighty sword that allowed me to strike down fear. Here are just a few.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb…….Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”  Psalm 139:13, 16

God knows about each and every day of my children’s lives. The events, the emotions, the joys, the hardships, nothing they experience will surprise God. He knows all of it and He knows exactly what they need to become the people He created them to be.

” Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.”  Luke 12:7

God knows my children so intimately, that He even knows the constantly changing number of hairs on their heads. What an insane amount of detail to know about someone! Yet, no detail of my kids’ existences are too small for God. And if he is so attentive to something as small and meaningless as the number of hairs on their heads, I know I can trust Him completely with their futures.

“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.   Zephaniah 3:17

I still sing over my kids most nights before bed, so this beautiful picture of our Mighty Warrior God, not only to be there to save my kids, but also to delight in them and rejoice over them in singing, brings me such JOY!

“For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

I heard this verse so often growing up that at times, it could feel easy to gloss over, but becoming a parent gave this verse new meaning. I cannot even fathom giving up one of my children the way God gave Jesus as a sacrifice for our sins. But He did because of His great love for us (my kids included).

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Even if my kids lose their mom, God loves them and nothing can change that. God never changes and He always keeps His promises.

These are just some of the beautiful truths that restored and strengthened my faith. They brought me peace when for so long fear had been the primary resident of my heart and mind. All week, I have felt a nudge to finally finish this post because fear seems like such a relevant topic right now. Our world is living through unprecedented times and it is only natural to have some fear, but I know that the same God that met me in the pages of my Bible, is there to meet you in your’s. If the verses that I shared did not bring you peace, please keep searching. Do a quick Google search on “Bible verses to overcome fear” and then open up His Word and DIG IN! Saturate yourself in all of His beautiful promises. Get to know Him more deeply. Restore and strengthen your faith. Find peace.

 

A closing thought. This felt important to share, but didn’t fit the flow of the post, so I leave it here.

Please understand, that never, not once, in all my praying and processing, did I think God was asking me to have happiness at the thought of dying young. Our loving and compassionate God created mothers with a beautiful and innate drive to protect and care for their children. He knows first hand the deep love that I have for my kids, but He allowed me to see the difference between peace and happiness. Because of God and who He is, I can have peace that my children will be taken care of, whatever may come. But, if the cancer does return and the end result is different, there will of course be great grief. That pain would be real. God understands that and I have no doubt that He would tenderly and lovingly walk me through that pain and grief.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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